Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Hope cookies, homemade nutella, and a Holiday....

Sorry, I've neglected my own blog. I honestly thought about it, I just didn't know what to say. I feel like I've said it all, that there really is no hot-off-the presses update. I'm just soldiering on, but with some fortification from much needed meds (Lexapro), a therapist, and goodies from you (I'm amazed at your thoughtfulness; from hope cookies, to homemade healthy treats, to taking ALL my kids on a WALKING tour to Franco's and Rita's, to a work collection to send us on a mini get-away!).

I had chemo tx #3 last Wednesday (4/16/14), yes it took all day again, yes I felt crappy after but at least I felt crappy "down the shore" and was able to just sleep it off with my family around me (and raid Easter baskets for chocolate). I did get a couple of good days to take in the ocean, which to me is restorative and calming.  When I met with Dr. Fellin, we discussed my treatment regimen and decided that, although I seem to be responding very well to the chemo,  we will continue with the full 6 treatments with taxotere (so 6/17/14 should be the last for a while, I'll still have the antibody chemo infusions every 3 weeks forever but they are targeted so do not have the same yucky effects) ... I'd rather be overly aggressive then stop early because of the few side effects (namely the hair loss and fatigue). Speaking of hair loss, Dr. Fellin was amazed at how much hair I still have left (to me I feel like that it's not much), but it's not lasting. I'm thinking probably by next week I'll be sporting my new hairdo (aka wig).

Otherwise I feel good. No pain, just very tired and my stomach is not right most of the time- but this doesn't bother me. The Lexapro has really helped, I'll get an anxious thought but then I just acknowledge it and it fades away, no drama, no tears. I also had my first visit with a therapist who was very helpful, I like her. She gives me new ways to think about things and reminds me of my own motto/ strength: to live for/ in today. It was funny though when we were ending the session, she said yes, you need to continue with therapy- you think? Ha, I guess I have a lot on my plate.

Thank you for your continued support, love, and prayers,


PS: I thought I'd share with you what is on my office wall at work (and I did this prior to ever being diagnosed!)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The elephant in the blog......

It's been 1 week since chemo and as predicted I'm feeling better each day...Well physically that is. I did have my 2 days of what I call "yuckiness", earlier this time as it started Friday morning and lasted till Sunday morning, but each day since then I'm feeling better. All that's left is tiredness. Oh and lots of hair loss.... I had hoped it wouldn't but it is. I probably should shave it like last time but I'm still holding out that I can last a little longer. So I've pulled out my scarves and will see....

So to the elephant in the blog.... Up till now I've been so focused on updating my physical symptoms and treatment regime I've completely ignored the elephant in the blog- how I feel about all this. I know I've said I'm just going to keep swimming, dancing in the rain, yadda yadda, but it's been increasingly hard to soldier on. I think it's the hair lost, could be the weather, but I know it's that this just sucks, cancer sucks. I have not been able to use my usual coping method, i.e. running, so have decided I need another, so either therapist or meds or probably both! I saw my PCP yesterday and he hooked me up with both! So we'll see, it will be interesting to go to therapy as I've always felt like a sort of therapist myself... I'll be able to compare notes of the advice I would have given me- which you know would be "just keep swimming", "take one day at a time", "it's all in how you react", "instead of waiting for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain"...... Oh and I'm sure the meds can't hurt!

My heart still swells with joy with the outpouring of your support,

Xoxoxo, Kellie

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It  is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."