Yes, I know it’s been a while since I posted… I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I’m not 100%. It started about 2 weeks ago, just before my last treatment actually. I developed a headache, hoped it was “just a cold” coming on- which it was. In fact, all the kids came down with the same cold symptoms (headache, congestion, runny nose) but when their cold past, my headache remained (and now with a little dizziness). I have to admit that making it all worst is my mind wandering to grim scenarios. I finally broke down and called my Onc dr. He already knew about the headache because I had mentioned it at my last appt 2 weeks ago, but it had just started and I wanted to wait to see what happened (yes I was too afraid to do any testing then). No surprise he ordered a head MRI, so we can rule out brain metastasis. (I’m scheduled for Tuesday 9/30/14).
Many of you know that this scares the hell out of me. I can deal with metastasis to anywhere else but have always been so afraid of any brain involvement. For many reasons but foremost in my mind is that the growth would cause ME to not be ME anymore. I pride myself on my self-efficiency, I can cope cause I can soldier on, keep things as normal as possible. It scares me to think that I wouldn’t be able to do this, doesn’t scare me for my sake but for that of my family. I guess I know too much, would be better off ignorant but as it is….
As my mom and good friend Molly point out its better to know what we are dealing with so we can just tackle it too, like we’ve done up to now. And no sense getting upset until we know what that is, getting upset goes against all mindfulness practice. I have to remind myself to live in the moment, take one moment at a time and let Faith be bigger than my Fear. I know for me it’s the unknown that is the hardest to deal with, once I know (even if it’s the worst case scenario) I’m much more able to cope and soldier on. I knew there would come a day when my winning streak would end or there would be a bump in the road, but I had hoped to get a little more of a break… On a positive note, I’m pretty sure I still have HER+ cancer, so even if it has travelled to my brain, the hope would be that it would shrink if I could get an infusion to the brain (blood infusions of herceptin do not cross into the brain). But I am getting ahead of myself, I may just have a sinus infection.
It sucks that I (we) have to live this way, being afraid of every little symptom, playing out grim scenarios, playing what if… but as I’ve said many times, I am so thankful for every minute I am given, I take pleasure in the here and now, look to each day as a gift. If only everyone in the world could have this outlook, it sure puts life into perspective.
My good friend from college, Anne Marie, has been sending me an inspirational card EVERY week since I’ve been diagnosed. The cards are beautiful, sometimes a beautiful drawing or picture and other times a relevant quote or reminder I’m not alone.
This came a few weeks ago and I wanted to share:
Is about celebrating the moment and that we’re not guaranteed or owed another day
and how cool it is that what we hide can actually be the fuel towards our glory and
that it’s not so bad being proven wrong
Is about welcoming the blind turn and the possibility that there’s no such think as coincidence
and that it’s never too late to pick up a guitar or a paintbrush or to make an amend
or to make a new friend
Could be about rekindling a past flame or igniting a new one or
shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer or savoring the caress of a love long gone
Means whatever it is you want it to mean because
Is a celebration of you and your path
‘cuz it could go at any second